Life Keeps Me in Stitches!

It is often said that one should remember the pain their mother went through whilst bringing them into this world.



Yeah right! So here's the thing..................

At 3 years old-I stuck a button up my nose, that came off of my jammies.

ER--Easy fix--Dr. said, Just blow--I did--still living that down.



7 years old- My foot slipped off the bike pedal, old fashioned foot brakes slammed to a stop, thrusting me over the handle bars, with left side of my face grinding firmly into the asphalt!



ER--Stitches--Scar--Cheek still twitches--A life of insecurity--I'm a freak now, are you happy?



12 years old-Watching T.V. with a FAT girlfriend, while laying on the floor, in the classic chin- prop viewing position. During a very funny episode of Gilligan, FAT friend nudged me. The intensity of her nudge caused my left shoulder to pop out of the freakin' socket.



Ortho. Surgeon--surgery might not work---one arm longer than the other--leotard no longer fit.



13 years old-Pushing little sister down the street on her bike, she decides to start peddling really fast, dragging me down the road about 12 feet.



Dad freaks out--uses Kotex to compress bleeding wound on my arm--never been the same.



18 years old-At a party I tripped over a German Shepard--fell backwards into a well-trimmed hedge, spilled my drink, got up, puked on the car in front of me, fell backwards again into the exact same body outline I had previously made in the hedge.



Just though this was worth documenting.....let that be a lesson...never mind.



22 years old- In beauty school, ready to go to State Board EXAMS, oops I'm pregnant (and married thank you very much-don't judge me by the hedge incident, you don't know me) oops I have a diseased gall bladder......I'm talking major sick!!!!



Gangrene--Jaundice--6 weeks pregnant--major surgery--almost died---36 metal staples



THEN--9 months of pregnancy--scar doubled in size--BABY LIVED-YAY!



--natural childbirth--(no twilight sleep, no epidural, just aim and shoot).



28 years old- Remember the contraceptive sponge, I got pregnant again!



Another natural childbirth--this one should have made Ripley's, with his 18" shoulder width.

Hey, I sucked it up--I toughed it out--I went the distance--I am an ass!



36 years old-Sinus trouble, sleep apnea, snoring that bothers new fiance.



4 in 1 sinus surgery--doctor on crack--again almost died--look up nose, see medulla oblongatta



38 years old- Tubes tied-----nuf sed.



44 years old- In June, I had a Cyst removed from my ovary.
In July, A FULL HYSTERECTOMY!



I AM a human scavenger hunt.



47 years old- I found a lump in my abdomen. Two doctors said I had a hernia.



Had surgery--no hernia--Lipomas (fatty tumors)--in pain again--more stitches.



So Mom, I hope you didn't suffer too much having me.



Love,

The arm dragging, face twitching, saggy belly, staple laden, traumatized by feminine products, glutton-for-punishment, cpap wearing, scar factory and enemy of vehicles with two wheels.